Sunday, July 20, 2008

Of Age, Romance, and Fate

I haven't blogged about this topic in a while.

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I attended a wedding reception yesterday.

It's during these ceremonies when I find myself thinking of age. And when you're homosexual, the idea of age eating up youth and vigor can be scary at times. While I've relegated the concept of age to just that--a concept--bearing witness to the milestones of straight friends and family always gives me a dose of the worries. There is that "rule" that the age of a homosexual is indirectly proportional to his marketability. And I, who hadn't experienced being extremely marketable in my teenage and young adult life, can't help but wonder if the rule has been implemented of late.

But I don't feel old. I don't feel like I'm 37. Perhaps all that mental conditioning I've done in the past few years have pinned me on 26, which I wholeheartedly embrace. And I did that only because I'm a late-bloomer, only recently discovering what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Since I know that a lot of my peers has had a head start, why not turn back my own clock?

No amount of meditation, however, can reverse the hard fate that most homosexuals face--the prospect of growing old alone. That, coupled with the idea of diminished opportunity presented by age gives one's life a tinge of hopelessness. My bouts of loneliness have been coming in far less often, but I still fancy experiencing the magic that romance and partnership promises. Yes, many jaded folk may have already discounted the sweet nothings and candy-coated stares, the electricity of touch and the giddy high school phone calls as fleeting oxytocin indulgences. But I've had too few of them. Those moments are still on my shelf, tagged a full price, under lock and key.

A few months ago, a fortune teller told me that my wait would soon be over. But as prognostications are, one would be better off relegating the thought to dream. I would love to have that milestone, but right now the work continues still, and his arrival will be the bonus, not the requirement.

7 comments:

Marc Ambrosio said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marc Ambrosio said...

I can relate about the age concept/discrimination shtick on my many conversations online at chatrooms. The jadedness in me can wear away after a while when realization hits home. I hope your wait is over while mine is still yet to happen ever. We'll just have to keep on hanging on and going.

maria said...

The prospect of growing old alone is not only for homosexuals. Although I guess, you guys get the bigger share of the pie. With our culture, finding a lifetime partner becomes even harder. This I think is where our real friends come in. Though nothing can measure up to a loved one's warm body, friends have their unique way of making us feel less lonely and more special.

Miss you Papa Carl.

Anonymous said...

Carv,

Don't worry much about your being a homo, because homo or not we gotta croak someday. Focus on your retirement, when you are no longer productive. My unsolicited advice is get all the insurance you can afford right now, so that you can retire at 55. Also , keep on paying your SSS monthly premiums, para kahit maliit, mi pension ka pagtanda mo. If you can afford and have some money to burn, I advice you to learn about the STOCK MARKET, and mutual funds. These will cushion your insecurity in old age....


Auggie

Mugen said...

And I wonder, would I write about the thought when I reach 37.

A decade more to go.

Btw, when you were giving me an introduction to gay life, you were 32 then. Haha. Parang kailan lang.

Carver said...

mark...we just keep on hanging and hanging. All the best to you as well. :)

maria... yes, there's not much difference between homo and hetero in that regard. I want to do a story with a single woman as the lead character. Should be interesting. Take care dear. :)

Auggie... Yuppers, we all gotta croak. :) As far as what you've recommended are concerned, I've got that covered, save for the stock market, which I'm researching on. Thanks much!

mugen... As things stand, you now know a lot more than I do. Your collective experience will make a great entry when you reach 37. hugs bro. :)

Anonymous said...

Carv,

Good ! you are learning fast. You are fortunate kasi mi internet na ngayon, and advice/es are coming in whether unsolicited or not. Sayang, kung mi nag advice din sana sa akin noong salad days ko, sana more comfortable pa ang retirement ko, wala eh, kaya, maswerte ka....
Sa STOCK MARKET, if you make a killing, you can leave all these behind, and retire in style, or while you are ahead of the pack...Imagine, Carv, retiring at 40, and constantly on luxury cruises around the world ? we can dream, can't we ?


Auggie

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