Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Keeping Things Together

Capping a short text exchange, my friend said, "I didn't know you were fatalistic."

I replied, "There are things we can't control. I try to focus on those that I can control."

Though my immediate circumstances may not seem favorable, I'm pretty much clear-headed compared to most of last year. Though I still feel the pangs left by frustration and emotional pain, I'm moving, and I refuse to stop.

I made a vow to begin each year with a personal declaration. "I'm going to make this year my year." I started this habit in 2001, and this sort of mental conditioning has helped me take bigger strides in my career. I forget where I first read it, but there is something about positive thinking that infects one's entire system, and consequently gets carried over to one's surroundings. Positive thinking may not have changed a lot of things in my life (my self-view, for instance, or my bank account), but it has changed my outlook and attitude towards certain events which would have normally dumped my spirits in the quagmire of despair. It's really about fighting, about taking control, about taking charge and being self-reliant. I can't say that I've wholly succeeded, but when I look inward and recount the actions I've taken, I definitely have improved compared to, say, 10 years ago.

There's that principle piece that promotes self-reliance: If you want things done right, you have to do them yourself. I've practiced this since college. When people commend me for being able to do a lot of things effectively (draw, write, act, teach, host, design, sing, etc.), I hardly react, for how does one react to that statement? I've been in 'muti-faceted' mode for over 10 years. I'm not perfect in all of the skills I've dipped myself into, and times come when I envy those who've mastered one or two skills and have made names for themselves with them, but I've managed to make do with whatever knowledge I've picked up and have appplied them in combination during my entire career. It gets really exhausting, as I see myself more of a follower than a leader. But hopefully, with all the skill investments I've done and all the varied occupational options I've managed to make, some kind of wonderfully tasty fruit will reward me.

I'd like to see myself totally self-reliant in the next couple of years. I'm not sure yet how that's going to happen. I mean, I don't get to bet on the Lotto on a regular basis anymore. (Maybe I should get back to that.) I still intend to self-publish comics, and apply again at them US comics companies. We'll see what happens. It's just a matter of keeping things together. And focusing.

Circumstances should turn out well soon. I don't care to know anymore on which side of the Wheel of Fortune I'm on. What I do know and am thankful for is the fact that God has always been good to me. God is good. And I couldn't have made it without Him.

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