Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Drama

Bouts of loneliness have been pinching quite often recently. And while friends have been very helpful in distracting me, there has been a growing, well, need for someone special. It's a fact that I've been struggling to deny, if only to save whatever sanity I have left.

It doesn't help that I've not completely rested. Because inactivity has become a personal prescription, the ill feelings have a crack to creep through, and staring out into space transforms from an exercise of inertia to a battle for rational thought.

At least doing the Siglo: Passion pages helps. I have currently five completely colored and lettered pages, and I'm proud of them in general. Some of my best work to date, at least to me. So that gives me a sense of fulfillment.

Still, it's beginning to feel like 2002 all over again, though conceivably not as bad. I don't have a job, and I don't know how soon I'll be ready to take on another one. Finances are depleting, though I can still hold off for another month. It's that point again where I'm beginning to feel vulnerable.

I know for a fact that God will help me through this, but then we all know the saying, "Nasa Diyos and awa, nasa tao ang gawa." There's that building urgency to do something right now, as in right now, to give way to whatever miracle's in store. But I'm scared to exert myself. I don't want to go through that ordeal again.

So I'm in a rut right now. Tomorrow I'll be better. That's how it usually goes. And it's only been a month. Maybe next month the tides will change. Maybe next month I won't feel as lonely. Maybe next month I'll get an incredibly gorgeous job offer. Maybe next month I'll win the Lotto.  Maybe next month all my hair will grow back. Maybe next month I'll be swept off my feet by some handsome, smart, and rich guy and we'll live happily ever after in Switzerland where I'll just make loads of graphic novels while he goes about his business as the CEO of a top multinational finance company.

*sigh* Maybe.

Throw it all to God, Carl. And do what you can.

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